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Paparazzi - Ambushes and Onion Rings
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1747 Reads
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Watched one helluva reality show the other day. Wanted a hot dog, so cruised over to Tony’s Hot Dog cart on Robertson just across the fashionably narrow asphalt from The Ivy in beautiful Bev.Hills adjacent (but we’ve got higher rated eateries) in WeHo.
Now, it’s been my belief for over a decade that a good number of those Hollywood folks knocking off their craving for the Ivy's must-have double-digit (in cost, cholesterol and fat content) Maui onion rings platter would much rather be living the simple life across the street, anonymously chowing down a Sabrett fully loaded Jumbo Kosher a mere hundred feet but worlds away (for $2.50, unless you add the chips and drink, therefore shelling out a biz-manager-orgasmic $3 or $4 bucks).
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But I digress, or in this case, find it hard to digest, for behind the less than fashionable hot dog hangout on any given day are at least three illegally parked, behemoth SUV’s with smoked glass, antennas and a half dozen dudes in polarized shades loitering in that self conscious nonchalant, sloppily dressed down but Code Red alert kinda way.
Trying unsuccessfully to blend in, these Tom Ridge's boyz lookalikes make small talk, asking, "Hey, Tony, how'z the Caesar salad burrito today, gimme another Polish Spicy Dog, no mustard..." as they eagle-eye the action across the street. Every time a Limo pulls up to the preppy khaki and oxford shirted Ivy valets' my guys stop mid bite and get into position . Clearly, someone of importance is hiding behind the white picket fence at this restaurant for those blessed by fame and fortune.
Hhhmmmmm……I wonder as I prepare to attack my humble repast at Tony's rickety plastic table….could Osama be plotting his comeback with the Master of Revenge, Ovitz? Is this the beginning of a real Axis of Evil once Michael Eisner buries the hatchet and joins the table for three? I was almost willing to let my hot dog get cold to find out.
Instead, I asked The Man himself. With a jerk of his sanitized clear plastic gloved thumb and a huge smile, Tony gestures with undisguised affection and in his charming Sicilian accent, confess his new customers are paparazzi and boy are they good for business! All they do is eat!
So, like a lookie- loo unable to turn away from a head on fatal, I watch the show. The SUV’s are tricked out better than anything in Threat Matrix>, back seats gutted to make room for electronic surveillance equipment. Rows of cameras mounted with an array of lenses, from a wide 24mm to the extra-nose-hair-close 400 mm wait strategically within lock and load grab incase anyone who's anyone moves. Computers hum ready to transmit in open bulletproof Halliburton cases….gee whiz, could this be THE undisclosed location??
Suddenly, everyone swings into action. Step stools appear, the Paparazzi scamper and take aim just like an assassination attempt, squeezing off shot after shot from behind and over the roofs of their SUV’s. There’s even one guy who’s sole gig it is to hold the legs of his boss as he balances top rung with his 400 mm trying to pick off some celeb stuffing his or her face.
So I wonder, who’s on the menu today? Casually, trying not to sound like some tourist (god forbid) I ask one of the guys as he jumps down from his stepladder. Not even looking at me as he scans through the images on his digital camera screen, he mumbles "P. Diddy".
Oh.
I eyeball best I can the patrons of the place. Sitting way in the back, completely hidden in shadow, I can barely make out the target of their ambush.
Having been a photographer for over twenty years, I know how hard it is to get darker skinned folks to show up without decent lighting, and this is one impossible situation, there’s no way to get a decent exposure, one that’s publishable anyway. But then I remind myself that this is the reality of overpriced onion rings, and suddenly it all makes sense.
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| Posted by: YSwerdlow on Monday, February 09, 2004 - 06:19 PM
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