1. Dude. Never, ever go more than a few sentences without saying this word, dude. Forget all the "Comrades, and I say to you" stuff. Dude is probably the most totally awesome thing you can say while you're here.

2. Awesome. Dude, this is a literally awesome word, invented in California by surfer dudes (alright!) to describe anything that is literally, like, awesome.

3. Like. Like is, like, the valley mantra. If you say the word like, like every few words, you are totally telling your listeners that you are from, like, the valley.

4. The valley. This is not the valley that you, prime minister dude, know from your awesome time with Nye and the dudes. This is an altogether much flatter, less green valley, a place where rivers die, strawberries grow and strip malls proliferate.

5. Mexicans. There's a lot of them in the valley, picking fruit and shit. Many of these Mexicans are from Mexico, some are from other places that, dude, without being heavy, may as well be Mexico. Awesome.

6. The governor. Don't call him Arnie. That's way too British. In California he is known as Arnold, or The Arnold. And the addition of a comic Austrian accent always brings laughs from a sophisticated audience. Mimic his pronunciation of Kahl-ee-faw-nyah - a surefire vote winner. But remember, Arnold was once in the movies. This makes him far more important than any politician.

7. The mayor. Well, the mayors. California boasts two mayors with a national profile: Gavin Newsom in San Francisco and Antonio Villaraigosa in Los Angeles. Newsom is not the sort of politician a good Catholic like you should spend too much time on. His outspoken support for gay marriage and his bullish leadership of sin city mean that he will never meet the pope. Antonio is a different matter, the Latino Blair if you like (his first name means Tony in Spanish). Antonio has the Old Labour cred of a union past, the New Labour cred of sharp suits, a totally heavy Listerine habit and taught himself Spanish. Practise saying his name before meeting him. Or you can use the term favoured by Republican wags: Antonio Villareconquista.

8. Orange County. You've seen this one on the telly, dude. The OC - home to hipsters, surfer dudes, Ryan and Marissa, John Wayne airport, the Minutemen, theme parks and your friends and allies, the US Marines at Camp Pendleton. Semper Fidelis, dude!

9. Culture. California is home to some of your life-forming listening, Tony. The Doors, the Byrds, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, and Albert Hammond, singer of the bittersweet seventies hit It Never Rains in California (he wrote it in London). And nobody summed up the cultural finesse of living in Los Angeles better than honorary Londoner Woody Allen, who in Annie Hall described it as "a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light".

10. Things not to mention: earthquakes, drought, fires, Charles Manson, George W Bush, Enron, the Lodi terrorist cell, Richard Nixon, the death penalty, how hot it is in England, Warren Beatty, the prison system, immigration reform, Ohio, looted antiquities, smog, the price of petrol, community farming, New York City.